I'm Selfish, and I'm Sorry
by InspiringLight
Summary: Set during the Suite Life Movie. What might have happened after Zack ruined Cody's internship with Dr. Spalding. How two brothers deal with anger and remorse. In the end, it all comes down to being family.


This is an AU of what might have happened after Zack screwed up Cody's internship during the Suite Life Movie. In this fic, the Gemini Project doesn't and will _not_ occur.

**Summary**: How two brothers deal with anger and remorse. In the end, it all still comes down to family.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own the Suite Life Series nor any of its characters.

~ x ~ x ~ x ~ x ~ x ~

"Cody?" Zack called. He frowned and almost sighed. Still ignoring him, huh? Feeling something pull at his heart, he half-wanted to just stop trying. It had been nearly a week since Cody refused to talk to him, and after all his efforts, it was like his brother really had severed all ties between them.

In the past, his twin would have forgiven him at the end of the day. Because, in the end, it all still came down to them being family. And family forgives each other. Zack touched his forehead wearily. He screwed up big time.

_Come on Zack. He has to cool down sometime._

He jogged after his brother's retreating back.

"Cody!"

Cody walked a little bit faster, completely overlooking his presence. Trying to make eye contact, Zack thought he saw Cody's eyebrow twitch.

"Cody," he repeated wearily. "Come on, buddy. You're not still mad at me, are you?" He raised his hands in surrender. "I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean it."

Hurt crossed his features when his brother didn't acknowledge him. Not one hint that Zack even mattered. Zack clenched his fists, his guilt paving way into anger. He was _trying_. Wasn't that enough?

"Cody. Cody!" He reached out and grabbed his twin's shoulder.

For one startling moment, both brothers tensed. Then, Cody tried to pull away. Zack narrowed his eyes and tightened his grip, determined to make his brother listen.

"Look, Cody. Can you just listen to me?" He couldn't hide the plea in his voice. "I'm _sorry_. Isn't that enough?"

"Enough?" Cody repeated, finally breaking the silent treatment. He glared heatedly at his twin. "You ruined my _future_. And all it takes is for you to say 'I'm sorry, Cody'" – he spat – "for everything to be okay again?" He jerked Zack's hand off his shoulder.

"Cody…"

"The only reason you don't want me to be mad is just so _you_ can feel better!" Cody shouted. His eyes flashed in anger. He couldn't take it anymore. Just seeing his twin sparked the ill feelings that churned in his heart. The indignance, the infuriation, and the inevitable sense of loss that accompanied him at night as he tried to sleep.

When Zack reached for him again, it all came into a sudden mad rush. Like an abrupt influx of raging fury that clouded his mind. Without thinking, Cody slapped the hand away and shoved his twin hard. Zack stumbled and his shoulder collided with the wall with a loud thud.

"You're not sorry, Zack," Cody said in a monotone. "You're such a selfish jerk, you know that?" He shook his head slowly. "Just stay away from me."

Eyes wide, Zack stared at his brother, speechless. Hurt dominated his blue orbs, barely veiling the shock that he felt.

Cody's heart twisted, though whether in sick satisfaction or in guilt at his words, he couldn't tell.

"Fine then. Since I'm not worth forgiving… If that's what you want," Zack said in a low voice. He ran a hand through his hair as he took a step back.

Casting Cody one last look, he turned and walked away. His left arm throbbed, but he pushed it to the back of his mind. Zack never dreamed that he would be the one to leave Cody behind. He had steeled himself to continue trying until his brother finally gave in. But…apparently Cody really had had enough.

Zack felt something prick at his eyes.

He knew he had made a mistake. But…didn't he deserve a second chance?

_Yeah right. You had many second chances. And you blew it._

_And this is what you deserve._

~ x ~ x ~ x ~ x ~ x ~

[Zack's room]

"_I'm done man. We're through. We may be twins, but we are NOT brothers."_

Zack closed his eyes, remembering.

He remembered watching his brother walk away. Remembered how Cody never once turned back. He felt it then, the gap between them being shoved even further. A deep, gaping hole that no bridge could seem to solve.

Zack's heart stung; and it ached deeply at his twin's words. He knew – oh, he knew now so well – what a _stupid_, _selfish_ mistake he had made. He had destroyed everything his brother had worked so hard for. And all for the sake of girl he just met.

_You ruined his future, Zack._

His fingers curled into fists. They were right. Mr Moseby, his teacher, even his own mother. He was just a troublemaker. What good is he for, when all he succeeded in doing was making his own twin hate him? Because Zack still remembered every single word that Cody had uttered.

"_I'll never forgive you for this. Ever." A cold glare. "I hate you."_

"_Stay away from me!"_

Zack bit his lip. He was wrong. He wanted to just go to Cody and tell him that he _knew_ that it was all his fault; and could they be brothers again? 'Cause he couldn't do this without his twin. The mere thought of living his entire life out with a brother hating him… It scared him. Neither did it help that everyone on the ship would stare at him in disappointment. All of them already knew what had occurred, and it took hardly a second for the blame to be pinned on him.

And of all things, Zack couldn't stand the disappointed looks that were thrown in his face.

All his life, that was the only thing he knew he'd constantly receive without fail. And he didn't think he could take it anymore.

_I have to do something. Anything…_ He stared unseeingly at the ceiling. _Please…don't hate me, buddy._

…

Getting off the bed, Zack stumbled carelessly to the door and locked it. He then turned the knob and tugged at it to make sure it couldn't be opened. Satisfied, he turned back and walked tiredly to his bed again. He laid on his side as he pulled the blanket over him, clutching it tightly.

Sometimes, there is that day in one's life, when suddenly everything is too much. The people, the daily activities, the problems, the relationships. Every small thing turns into a big deal. It's like the world suddenly stopped and left you behind. But as you go through the day, you know everything's the same. And you don't understand why, just that there's that strong need to let go. To cry and sob and wail. You know it won't change anything. All you know is that it'd make you feel better.

Letting out a loud breath, Zack Martin began to cry.

~ x ~ x ~ x ~ x ~ x ~

[The next day]

Cody's phone rang. "Hello?"

"Cody honey! How are you?"

Cody frowned slightly. He could have sworn his mother sounded worried. "I'm fine, Mum. What's wrong?"

"Oh, that's great to hear. Cody, where's your brother? Is he beside you now? Can I talk to him?"

Cody inwardly sighed and leaned his arms over the railings of the ship. Staring absent-mindedly over the ocean, he could feel the barest hint of anger at the mention of his brother.

"Cody? What's wrong?"

"It's nothing, Mum. I don't know where Zack is. Must be fooling around somewhere," Cody answered monotonously.

There was a brief pause. "Did something happen between you and Zack?"

"No, nothing happened. Zack's just being the same jerk that he is, and I'm just being tied down to his failures. As usual."

He heard a soft sigh. "You both are fighting again, aren't you? What happened?"

Cody almost wanted to feign ignorance. He wanted to show that nothing his brother did now bothered him. His frown deepened. But then, Bailey wasn't talking to him, and he simply yearned to _tell_ someone and have them tell him that it's okay. Cody lowered his gaze to his feet and took a deep breath.

"Mum… Zack ruined my internship. And all for the sake of impressing a girl. And now I can't go to Yale."

"Oh, honey. I'm so sorry that Zack did that. How could he?" Cody imagined the exasperation on her face whenever his twin played the fool. His heart lightened somewhat. He hadn't realized, but he missed talking to his mum. "Are you okay?" Carey asked, concerned.

Cody nodded his head, forgetting for a moment that she couldn't see it. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"That's great, honey. Now, Cody, I know you're mad with your brother, but can you just make sure he picks up his phone? I've been calling him since yesterday and he never answered."

"Why didn't you call me?"

"I was afraid you were studying. Remember the last time I called? And you panicked because I was interrupting your revision for a test that was due the next day?"

"Oh." Cody fidgeted uncomfortably. "I don't know, Mum. I don't want to see him. I just feel like…like exploding whenever we're near each other now."

Silence. "Cody," Carey began slowly. "When was the last time that you saw your brother?"

"Yesterday afternoon, when he tried to apologize," he answered automatically.

Another pause, then "And I understand that he doesn't have a roommate?"

"…yes." _Now that I think of it, Zack wasn't in class today. Neither did he turn up for his shift last night. _His hand twitched, recalling how furious Mr Moseby had been. The older man had gone off to search for his twin, but…Cody hadn't stayed long enough to see if he had indeed found Zack. His thoughts were interrupted when his mother spoke again.

"Cody, honey. I know you're angry with Zack, and I'm sorry about what happened but...are you so mad that it didn't occur to you that something may have happened to him?"

Cody's eyes widened. "That's not-"

"Not possible? No one has heard from him since yesterday. And I couldn't reach him either, and you _know_ Zack is never unreachable. Doesn't that worry you?" When the younger of the two lowered his head and remained silent, she continued patiently, "You've always been so smart, Cody, and I have high expectations for you." Carey paused. "But honey, you fall short in something important. Perhaps even more so than education."

Cody started in shock. _I fall short in something more…important than education?_

Carey must have felt the incredulity in her son as she went on, "Yes, because it affects your whole life whether you want it or not. Cody" – gently – "you lack the ability to understand and appreciate."

Cody felt a rush of indignance at her words. He always understood! Concepts, formulas, anything!"What do you mean I can't understand? I've always done well in class, and-"

Carey coughed loudly to get her son's attention, and the words in his mouth died. "Cody, have you ever thought of why your brother does what he does? Have you tried to understand him? I agree, Zack has made many mistakes. What he did to you was very selfish of him. But no matter what he does, he will always be _your_ brother. Can you imagine anyone else taking his place?"

"Anyone would be better than him," Cody muttered.

"Honey… Not everyone has a sibling, let alone a twin. He has been there _all_ your life." His mother said gently and lowered her voice. "But he won't be there forever, Cody."

"What?" Shock was evident in his voice.

"Zack won't always stay by your side," she repeated. "The fact that he apologized to you shows how important you are to him. But if you continue pushing him away, one day even he will stop trying. And once that time comes…" She paused. "He's never going to come back. And even if he does, things will never be the same again."

"Do you really want your brother gone, honey?"

Cody felt a twinge of guilt twist his heart. His mind tugged at the memory of his pushing his brother, and the guilt amplified, tempering the raging fury that had once rained on his mind. "I…I guess not."

He could almost see his mother smile. "There you go, honey."

"B-but this doesn't mean I'm not still mad at him!"

Carey laughed. "I know," she said warmly. "Now go check up on your brother."

"Okay…" he answered reluctantly.

"Love you."

"Love you."

There was a click and Cody tucked his phone into his pocket tiredly. He sighed. What his mother said had knocked some sense in him, but… He didn't want to check on Zack. If he pushed aside his anger at his brother at the moment, he admitted that Zack was very important to him. But still… He let out a loud breath again.

Pushing himself off the railing, Cody Martin went off to find his twin.

~ x ~ x ~ x ~ x ~ x ~

*Knock* *Knock*

"Zack? Zack, it's me. Cody."

*Knock* *Knock*

"Zack?" Cody asked again, rapping his knuckles against the door again.

He frowned. He tried turning the knob, but realized it was lock. Knocking again, he called, "Zack?"

Cody knew his twin was inside. He didn't know how, just that he knew. The worry that he had been stubbornly denying trickled into his veins slowly. His mother couldn't have been right, could she? That something had happened to Zack?

He hadn't seen him at all. Not even during dinner.

Cody hesitated then, pounded on the door. "Zack? Zack! Are you in there? Open the door." He banged harder. "Are you okay? Zack!"

His hand trembled a little as he punched in the numbers to call his twin. The phone rang for a few moments. No answer.

_Damn it Zack. Don't do this to me._ His mother's words replayed in his mind again. /_Do you really want your brother gone…?_/ Cody called again. _You're being paranoid, Cody. He's probably asleep._

After the fourth ring, Zack picked up. "-llo?"

Cody almost leaned his head against the door in relief. "Zack!" _Definitely asleep._

There was a slight scuffling from the other side. "Cody?" Cody immediately noted the difference in his twin's voice.

"Zack, open the door."

Confusion. "Why?"

"Just open it."

There was a pause. "Okay," Zack answered in a small voice and hung up. At this, the younger twin's eyebrows pulled down in a frown. He couldn't remember the last time his sibling had sounded like that. His thoughts jerked to a stop when the door opened a fraction; his brother could be heard retreating back inside.

Walking in, Cody closed the door behind him. He surveyed the room in silence. The lights hadn't been switched on, and his twin must have covered the window with a small curtain. This was the darkest that Cody had ever seen the room in.

The younger Martin walked slowly to his twin's bed. Zack had apparently went right back to his bed, now curled up tightly in his blanket with his back towards Cody.

"Zack?" Cody asked uncertainly.

"What is it?"

Instead of answering, Cody sat on the bed and leaned over his brother. At this, Zack noticeably buried his head deeper into his pillow. Not to be denied, Cody reached out and placed his palm on his twin's forehead. His eyes softened.

"Your forehead is too warm," he stated flatly.

He got up to get a wet towel. Flipping the light on, he noted in confusion that Zack had almost instantaneously stiffened and had pulled the covers higher above his head.

"Zack?" Cody pulled at Zack's arm worriedly. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Zack rasped hoarsely.

Cody sighed and pulled the covers away from Zack's face. His eyes widened. "Have you been crying?"

"No." The older twin's voice cracked and Zack noticeably winced. Cody's heart twisted in remorse.

"Aren't you…mad at me?" Zack asked quietly. "Why are you here?"

"I hadn't heard from you since yesterday. And I guess I was…" - Cody took a deep breath – "worried about you."

"But you wanted me to stay away from you," Zack whispered, his eyes glued to his pillow. He blinked slowly, concealing the dull blue orbs for a moment. "You weren't supposed to worry about me."

There was a sharp intake of breath. "Zack…I was furious and I wasn't thinking. You know I didn't mean that. And…" He touched his twin's shoulder lightly./_But if you continue pushing him away, one day even he will stop trying. And once that time comes…_/Cody lowered his gaze. /_He's never going to come back._/

"And I'm sorry. For everything."

Zack's eyes widened, betraying the shock and relief he felt inside. He sat up and stared at Cody mutely, his mouth seeming to work to find the right words to say. "Why?"

Cody smiled, albeit wearily. "You're family," he said simply. "And that's all that matters to me."

Cody watched almost sadly as his twin's eyes widened even more, if that was possible. There was always that part of someone where you can read everything. When it comes to Zack, he was completely unpredictable in ways that even Cody could barely understand. But by purely looking at his eyes, Cody felt he could unravel whatever mystery there was about his twin. Zack was really sorry, he could tell. And so confused and grateful and _relieved_. A tear streaked down the older Martin's cheek.

"Zack…" Cody murmured as Zack quickly swiped it off his face.

Zack pointedly looked away from his twin, his eyes downcast. "I thought you didn't want me in your life anymore."

Cody scooted closer over to his twin and wrapped his arms around the latter. Zack hesitated, then just as tightly returned the hug. They rocked back and forth slightly, a soothing rhythm that only the two of them were used to.

Hours could have passed before Cody patted Zack's back comfortingly. "I'm sorry I scared you."

Zack tightened the hug. "Cody?"

Cody frowned. He hated it when Zack sounded like that. It made him feel as his older brother was missing a part of himself. Zack wasn't supposed to sound so small. He was supposed to be the overconfident and brave one of the two. "Yeah?"

Zack dropped his head onto Cody's shoulder, as if in defeat. "Don't ever give up on me, Cody. Please."

Shock ran through the younger Martin and he pulled away to stare at Zack. "I've never given up on you," Cody exclaimed indignantly.

Zack fidgeted, his fingers playing nervously on his lap. "When you pushed me yesterday, it felt like you weren't ever going to forgive me, Cody. I thought I finally made the one mistake that pushed you over the edge, and that I deserved it. I thought I lost you." He looked up pleadingly. "But I'm really sorry, buddy. Don't give up on me like that again. I'll change, I promise."

The guilt that had tugged at the back of Cody's mind now pounded relentlessly at his heart. He stared at Zack, took in his disheveled appearance, his bloodshot eyes, and the wet stain on his pillow. "Oh Zack… I'm sorry."

They hugged again. "I'm sorry," Cody repeated. "Forgive me?"

Zack jerked his head against Cody's shoulder. "Yeah. Thanks, Codes." He smiled gratefully. "I'm sorry too."

After some time, Zack pulled away from him and jokingly teased him for being such a baby. Cody laughed and whacked him on the arm. As the two slowly regained some sense of stability as they went back to their former selves, Zack couldn't help but think how self-centered he had been. He didn't think he deserved Cody's forgiveness but he had needed it so much too.

"Mr Moseby's going to explode when he sees you." Cody smiled teasingly.

Zack wiped at his face again and arched an eyebrow questioningly. "But I didn't do anything!" he defended.

"Exactly my point, Zack. You didn't turn up for your shift last night." The smile widened.

Realization dawned on Zack's features as he stared sheepishly at his twin. He scratched his head. "…I forgot."

A small smile graced his features as Cody laughed again; a sense of deep contentment swelling in his heart. Zack really needed his brother by his side. It made him happy, despite all their differences and arguments.

_Cody… _The smile dimmed a bit. He would have done anything for Cody's forgiveness. And Cody was right. He wanted it because it made him feel better. But isn't that how everyone is like? To forgive and to be forgiven, so that a broken relationship – friendship, brotherhood etc. – can be mended. So that both parties could move on and smile again.

"Zack?"

Zack caught himself and found his Cody staring at him worriedly. "Are you okay?" Cody asked. He touched Zack's forehead again and frowned. "You're really warm, Zack. Do you want to go see the...?"

The older twin shook his head. Biting his lip, he patted his brother's shoulder in reassurance. "Nah, just…it's nothing."

Cody stared at him a for a moment, as if processing his words carefully before accepting them. "Have you had lunch yet?"

Zack grimaced. "Not yet."

"Okay…" Cody pulled back slightly. "When was your last meal?" He asked slowly. "Zack?"

Zack smiled guiltily and avoided his gaze. "Yesterday morning?" he said uncertainly, making it more of a question rather than a statement.

"Zack! You…" Cody touched his forehead wearily and shook his head. Pinning his gaze on his brother, he said sternly, "Never mind. Come on. Let's get you some food." He reached out and grabbed Zack's arm, tugging him to follow.

The smile on Zack's features morphed into one of fondness. "Alright, alright. I'm moving."

After Zack got changed, both of them left the room, Cody chastising him for being irresponsible, while Zack listened quietly for once. Tucking his hands into the pockets of his jeans, Zack absent-mindedly thought of Cody, his mum, his dad and all his good friends. He should really appreciate them more.

He wouldn't let them go for anything. He couldn't bear that. Zack eyed Cody out of the corner of his eye and a single thought ran through his mind.

_I'm selfish, and I'm sorry._

~ x ~ x ~ x ~ x ~ x ~

I know I might have gone a little (or a lot) OOC with the characters. It's problem with all my fics. I think I have them in character when I'm _writing_, but not after I read it. Still, tell me what you guys think!

Please review! :)


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